I'm not one to kiss and tell (or at least...not in a forum like this). I don't really spare personal details with the entire universe...and if you're one of the few people that know those details -- you should consider yourself lucky.
This whole "sharing your feelings" thing becomes even more tricky...when you're talking about someone who's a virtual steel trap of emotion (ha...that's not true...but...1. It sounds good...and 2. Compared to my gift for gab, just about everyone seems shy).
So...here goes...
It's been one month, and we're going strong. One month...and we've gone from t h i s c l o s e to thisclose. And that's fantastic. Better yet? We're only getting closer. I still feel the same butterflies in my belly that I did the first night he grabbed both sides of my face and slowly pulled me in for one of the most romantic first kisses I've ever had in my life. (I really should have passed out air sick bags for this one, eh? haha. Well -- if not then...then perhaps soon - keep reading). Just seeing him makes me smile. Looking at his picture warms my heart. And hearing that remarkably random southern twang (from where else? but Albert Lea) lights up my day (Seriously...because I have him call me every morning at 4:45am on his way into work...crazy...isn't it?).
I got to get it all in while I can...because in a few months...he'll be leaving. Deploying to Kuwait for a year...to do convoy escorts. It's terrifying really. I try to be strong (haven't cried over it in awhile), but this extends far beyond any thing I've ever had to deal with. I never envisioned myself as a military girlfriend, but I'm up for the challenge. Because even greater than my all-encompassing fear, is the immense amount of pride I have in him...for doing something that so few people can, or ever would. For sacrificing so much, for so many. For being brave. I'm proud...so proud...words can't even touch it.
Proud and lucky...that's absolutely what I am.
You can hear the clock ticking. It's deafening. You try to shut it out...try to ignore it...put your fingers in your ears, squeeze your eyes shut and "la la la la" to your heart's content to drown out the sound. But it always comes back....like the room in Captain Hook's ship. That tick-tock of the second hand is unavoidable. How many more kisses will I have? How many more hugs? How many more times can I see this smile? Hear him laugh? Smell his skin? Touch his face? And as much as you try to close those thoughts out and not worry (thanks, Lent)...the thoughts are always lurking...and are never really far from the surface.
Same for him...he just doesn't talk about it.
Which is what makes nights like tonight so special. He's going through so much more than I am...and the closer we get on the calendar to May 26th, the more his reality sinks in...and the more he closes himself off. But not tonight. I felt like part of his family. We laughed, we hung out, he opened up...and shot me a few smiles and winks across the table in such a way as to say, "This won't be the last time. We'll make it through this."
And I think we will...because I am (by far) the most smitten I've ever been, and (lest you forget) I'm also one of the most stubborn people you'll ever meet...and I refuse to let this go.
I'm the happiest I've been in the longest time - despite that deafening ticking clock in the background.
And (go ahead and grab a clean barf bag)...I didn't believe in love at first sight...until I met him.
Honest.
He stole my heart that day one month and one week ago...and I don't want it back (so you better make some room in your ruck sack there babycakes ;) ha)
"here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"
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