Day 89: At Ease Yourself :P

I'm not patient.  I have a need to know things...and a need to know them...well...now (is there really any other time?).  I have a penchant for asking questions and a deeply-rooted desire to understand.  I've always enjoyed knowing what makes things tick.  I wasn't one of those people who took apart clocks as a kid, and then put them back together...but did like to understand how things work, and why they work the way they do...so I ask questions 'til I get it...and not "getting it" really isn't an option.  Guess that's what makes me a good journalist.
Because, when I don't understand, I feel like the odd man out.  I start to worry, start to overanalyze.  I read into things...I obsess.  I feel like, it shouldn't be that hard, and then I beat myself up for not getting it.  It's perfectionism at its finest...and pride...and not wanting to finish last.  Takes me back to doing multiplication worksheets in fifth grade advanced math.  Is it weird that I remember that?  Math wasn't my strong suit...never was...never has been.  Somehow, some teacher saw something in me that convinced them I was good at math (to this day, I have no idea what that was).  I only remember it being a problem when we got to fifth grade, and we were pitted against one another in these timed math drills.  It was a matter of who could answer the most questions correctly in a certain period of time.  I would have rather fallen dead at that moment than do that stupid timed test.  I hated not understanding. I hated finishing last.  I'm too competitive.

I suppose that's a fantastic attitude to have for math...but for love? It doesn't translate well.  I have a need to understand...to know what I'm getting into...to guard my heart.  I know, I know...doesn't work.  I get it.  That's partially why I decided to give up worrying for Lent.  No easy task, that's for sure...but this wouldn't be a "thankfulness" post, unless I was thankful for something, right?

I made a conscious decision to just, "Let it be."  Whatever happens, happens...and I told myself, I was just going to enjoy the ride, while I still had the chance.  Be happy now.  Worry later.  And though worry has snuck itself in along the way, things are working out fantastically well.  With each passing day, a certain someone continues to open up.  Contines to trust.  Continues to pass along certain pieces of the puzzle...and with each puzzle piece comes a little more understanding.  It puts my heart at ease...because the more I know, the more I love.

I may not have all the answers.  I may not understand everything.  And as a 26-year-old, I may still finish last in a timed math exercise...but for the first time in a long time, I feel comfortable...relaxed...at ease.

I may not have it all together, but (when we're) together, I have it all.

And I'm thankful for that :)